Belated life lessons of a thirty-something.

This last year has been a great time for my ‘personal growth.’ I do feel a bit gross saying that but there it is.

In the last few months I’ve done things that I never would have thought possible for myself previously. It’s probable that most people my age are wildly ahead of me in the self-awareness stakes,  but sometimes you’re in a place where the questions are so many, and the doubt and uncertainty are so consuming that even the most straight-forward of things are forgotten. If you are in that place, I hope this helps.

What’s the point?

In June last year I started writing this blog. I hadn’t done any kind of writing before, other than essays for university, including a short and totally mediocre creative writing module for my undergraduate degree. I didn’t really know what I wanted to achieve when I started: I just knew that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. I was bored, frustrated and in dire need of a hobby.  In the past , I had always thought there had to be a point to any course of action I undertook. And I could never quite see the point. Everything seemed futile. Then I read an old cliche somewhere, ” if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got.” Eventually, the idea of things remaining as they were became the worst case scenario. Which brings me to lesson number one:

1. The doing is the thing.

Don’t be too fixated on the end point, at the beginning. Just do – something.

2. Baby steps

Whilst I’m proud of the blog , what I’m more proud of is the events I have organised. Putting together panels of smart, engaging and informed people and moderating discussions in front of an equally smart, engaging and informed audience.

Organising and chairing a panel of broadcasters, journalists, academics and a Senator seems like an overwhelming task if you consider it as a completed thing. But if you break it down into pieces – send an email invite to a speaker, make a room booking, do some reading, tell some people about it – it’s more achievable.

3. Write it down

Too often we keep our ambitions and goals in our heads. It’s all too easy to make excuses to yourself as to why you didn’t do something.  But if you tell people you’re going to do something, it makes it much more likely that you’re going to commit.

4. Say Yes.

Don’t let fear be the reason you don’t do something. Of course you’re going to feel a bit scared doing things you’ve never done before. But good scared! If you’re not scared every now and again,  you’re too comfortable. So if someone asks you to do something you really want to do but it makes your stomach churn with fear – say, Yes Please and do it anyway.

5. Not everyone will like you

I put a lot of my new found confidence and courage down to The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A Fuck . It really helped me get to grips with not caring so much about people’s opinions of me. Whether people like you or not is beyond your control, and, believe it or not, it doesn’t matter if some people don’t like you. I cannot stress this enough: Being liked, and making yourself likeable should not be your life’s goal.

6. Be yourself

Another book that helped me in the last couple of years is Quiet by Susan Cain, on the power of introverts in an extrovert society. I always would have described myself as an introvert, but really thought it just meant that I had a tendency to be quiet in large groups. I’m happy to let others take the limelight, but I used to look on at my louder and more outgoing friends and colleagues and wish I could be more like them. Now, I’m happy with the qualities of my introverted self. The world needs both.

Passing down the wisdom

The only thing that bothers me about all this is that I am 37.

WHAT HAS TAKEN ME SO LONG??

Speaking to a friend recently I said I hoped my daughter didn’t have to wait so long to find her confidence. It seems to me, that at three years old she is full of self love and confidence. I hope that she can hold on to that. Or at least that if it wavers, she finds her way back to it quickly, and completely.

We want so much as parents to pass on the things we have learnt to our children so that they don’t have to go through the tortuous years of insecurity and self-doubt. But the reality is that we all have to make that journey (so sorry for using the ‘j’ word).

We can point our kids in what we think is the right direction, but ultimately they have to find their own way.

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8 comments

  1. DIYMess · · Reply

    I love this post! I hope that in the future I can learn to say yes more and ‘grow’.

    Like

  2. Fair play. I didn’t realise you were such a recent blogcomer. You exude a lived-in seasoned vibe. Congrats on chalking up those personal achievements.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! I sure feel lived-in

      Like

      1. Comfy blogging. Less show-housey and more put-your-feet-up. I’m just digging a bigger hole aren’t I? Ah. Story of me life..

        Like

      2. I take it as a compliment 👍

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is wonderfully thoughtful.

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  4. You have done some amazing things over the past year my friend. I will now talk in cliches for a minute but you have truly left your comfort zone and fought the fear and done it anyway. As a fellow introvert I really admire you for it. If I was on Facebook and a t**t I’d say I was proud of you. I wish I’d read “Quiet” twenty years ago instead of spending my teens, twenties and thirties thinking I had a deficient personality and apologizing for it, constantly explaining “Yeah, I’m anti-social”. When a very loud friend was disgusted with me for not going speed-dating with her ‘for a laugh’ (how so a laugh??), I had no words to describe myself. The recent polite backlash against foghorny, alpha-type personalities has caused a lot of people to breathe a sigh of relief I think.
    There’s no reason your daughter shouldn’t stay the lovely confident way she is. My dad constantly and contemptuously apologized to people, in front of me, for my personality, and it helped hammer me into a niche that I’m still in. All my life since then I’ve always been really careful to never, ever comment on kids’ personalities (shyness, ‘anti-social-ness’, whatever). We were never allowed to express opinions or have two-way discussion with our dad and it’s left me with a stupid “fear” of bosses and authority figures (especially male) to this day. I rarely had ‘smalltalk’ with my parents and am bad at it to this day (I accept it’s not all their fault but wish I’d had some training!). The best thing you can ever do with your kids is actively listen to them with respect. I think it’s brilliant that you are doing these things (the events etc) because the confidence and skills it brings will rub off on your daughter for sure. As for 37 – er is that not preternaturally early… I am 45 and waiting… will same thing happen to me if I read that Fuck book??

    Like

    1. ah thanks, shores, thats lovely. I remember constantly being described as quiet and shy growing up and getting the vibe that this was definitely not a good thing. Whilst confident and loud little girls are to be encouraged, im also strongly in favour of the quiet ones. Quiet is cool.

      Liked by 1 person

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